the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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