I got chris browned last night
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
