That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
