I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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