thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
