I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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