How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
