MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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