I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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