Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i dont even know how to be here
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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