Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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