I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
