The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
