Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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