It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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