If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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