i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
