So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
