That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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