filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize