Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
