I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
