Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
