Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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