Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
