Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
