Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
