I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
