Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
