Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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