how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
