I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
