Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm getting married
To pizza
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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