if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
