I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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