some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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