I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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