Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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