i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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