i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
