My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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