I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
