You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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