i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
