I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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