Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
