So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
