I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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