Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
