if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
