I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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