HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
