The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The police scanner is talking about you again....
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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