Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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