im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
