my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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